Like a Knife in My Heart....

I owe someone an apology. In preparation for our 20th college reunion, my friend Jay said, "It's like a knife in my heart that we're not young anymore" -- and I immediately told him all the reasons he shouldn't feel that way.

Well, I take it all back.

I love this picture representing the feeling, because it's not gory and it's not sad, and in many ways I think it represents strength. The heart still glows around the blade, and the two seem to be in the process of becoming one.

I knew my return to campus would trigger many conflicting emotions, and I thought I was prepared, but truthfully I did not anticipate the cascade of feeling that I think Jay had in advance.....and perhaps we all had before the weekend was over. The realization that essentially the same amount of time had passed since graduation that had passed from our births to when we all first met was monumental for me. It was wonderful to see so many familiar faces, and so many beloved to me. Our lives were different then, and have perhaps become even more different now, but we will always have our Davidson experience during a formative time in our development and that keeps us connected.

What I did not expect was the powerful feeling that this was a turning point.

Going forward, I think I need to not take for granted that Davidson will always bind us, at least to the degree for which I hope and which I need. I am recommitting to these relationships.

The knife may not come out, but the heart will always be strong.

Year-in-Review: The 10 Most Commented Posts of 2009

My friend Dennis Taylor has a great blog, sprezzatura! http://dctadvisors.wordpress.com/, and it is the inspiration for this post -- I thought his taking the time to analyze the Top 10 most viewed posts from his first year of blogging was an interesting idea. http://dctadvisors.wordpress.com/2009/12/24/year-in-review-ten-most-view-posts/

My first post was April 13, 2009 -- I got started really to break the isolation of staying at home with a newborn. Since then, this blog has become much more than that for me, and I hope you've had some fun along with me over the past few months.

I don't track the views, but I do track comments. Let's take a trip down memory lane and see what we learn, shall we? Here's what got people exchanging ideas:

#6 Scarletts and Melanies (October 30) tied with How you Look, How You Feel (June 22)

My female readers could really relate to feeling the big "UGH" after having a baby and wanting to set goals to feel better. They also had a few things to say about how extreme characterizations of female personality are interpreted and misinterpreted on film and in real life.

#5 Meeting Needs, Sustaining Shadows (December 28)

I appreciated the acknowledgement that responding to stereotypes is not always a slam-dunk easy answer. Once more into the breach, dear West Virginians!

#4 The Skinny Branch (December 3)

When Tiger Woods fell from the heavens, I think we all were a little more troubled that we expected. This post was a challenge for me to write, but I'm glad I did. Thanks to all who were brave enough to comment.

#3 Fly Away Home (June 17)

It's uber popular to talk about "keeping our kids in West Virginia." It's less popular to talk about letting them leave. I'm grateful to all who wrestled with this one.

#2 The Tattoo and the Beach (June 1)


This is where I learned that I was, in fact, being an idiot. I'm over 40 years old. I need to get a grip. Mucho props to those who shared their tattoo confessions and resolutions.


#1 Something Wicked This Way Comes (May 29)

Sometimes you just are plain surprised by what people want to talk about....I really just posted this for myself to purge my own frustration with unhealthy marketing and products for young children. I found out I'm not alone, but also that not everyone views what I think of as plainly problematic as a big deal. I'd say what I ultimately learned is that this problem is on a slippery slope -- there are individual small things that incrementally add up to big issues, and by the time you're avalanched at the bottom of the hill it's too late.

Let's be careful out there, everyone. Wishing you a 2010 full of authenticity, peace, and understanding. Thanks for reading Esse Diem. It means a lot to me.

Reflections

This week I started a wonderful new job working with some phenomenally talented people, managing a complex, statewide, volunteer-driven policy initiative. It would probably fill up my heart and soul no matter the timing, but I’m back on the job after two years of time away from the office. Its significance at this point in my life is big.

It’s always advised to “take some time between jobs,” but often this means a couple of weeks. These past two years have been a great luxury, and helped me sort out the goals and objectives I want most to achieve in my work. In a sense, I have been working during the time away from the office, but the project was myself. The whole process got me thinking about two types of reflection.

There is the looking at the past, and analyzing and evaulating the decisions and results; there is also what we see of ourselves in other people around us. They may be clients or colleagues, but those closest to us eventually have a significant impact on our sense of self, and our ability to bring our dreams from thoughts to realities. The length of time I had away from my own old patterns made it impossible for me to deny the changes I needed to make. While it is surely easier to wish others would change, in the end it is always us who needs to alter what is happening in our own lives.

If you are struggling with needing to make a change, you might not need the extensive time I took to get there. You might just need encouragement and validation! Below are some questions that may help you get there more quickly:

Where do you see your reflection? In evaluation by others, in your own ability to steer your professional ship, in the kinds of clients you attract, in your paycheck, in your relationships with your co-workers? When you pinpoint your most common reflection, does it ring true, or do you want to see yourself somewhere else?

What one change could you make within yourself to see more of the person you want to be?

This post first appeared on www.corporateidealist.com on August 14, 2009. Photo credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/21314760@N00/1285407742/